Grace

Not long before I left the skilled nursing facility I worked at, I had an amazing encounter with a patients family member. It is a story that still touches my soul and encourages me to stop and question from time to time if I could ever hope to be such a moral person.

It was an ordinary day.  *Ms. Stevens was scheduled to be discharged from the hospital and transferred to the nursing facility that afternoon. I called her daughter and set the appointment to complete her admission paperwork and start the long term care Medicaid process.

*Lillian arrived on time. She was dressed very casually, a bit of a plain, nervous looking woman with over sized glasses. She was very quiet and didn't look at me much when I introduced myself. I assumed she was understandably having a barrage of mixed feelings about "committing" her mother for long term care.

I started with the usual small talk as I opened the seemingly endless contract of information, forms and Medicare gobbly goo. She continued to look at the table.

Not wanting to prolong her discomfort, I decided to quickly give my speech and provide her my business card and wait for the inevitable questions.

I  began with the patient information form which includes the usual emergency contacts, confirm drug allergies, etc. This moves into the more personal Medicaid questionnaire. It involves the tally of all assets, incomes, liabilities. Unfortunately, this form almost always makes people very uncomfortable but the information is necessary to submit to the state in order to qualify for the Medicaid program.

She readily provided the information, but at the end, when it required a signature, she froze. "I'm not paying for her care." It was said with such force, I was kind of surprised. I assured her it did not, under any circumstances, make her liable for any bills accrued. After a bit of a hesitation, she signed it and we moved onto the stack of other Medicare, Medicaid, HIPPA and in-house forms.

Anytime a form dealt with Medicare, Medicaid or bills, she would again state "I'm not paying for her care." I continued to assure her we could not hold her liable for her mother's bills.

About three quarters of the way through, she leaned forward and burst into tears. I looked at her, stunned. She blurted out "I'm sorry, you must think I'm a horrible person." Utterly confused, I asked her "Why would you think that?" She replied "I keep telling you I'm not paying for her, and I know that sounds so cold." I put my papers down and looked at her and said "Lillian, I do not think you are a horrible person. Medical care is very, very expensive and I know I personally couldn't afford to pay for some one's long term care on top of my family's care. Please don't think I'm judging you. Your concerns are normal ones." She sat up and said "Look, she is my mother but she abandoned me twice when I was a kid. Once when I was two,  I don't remember that one,  the next time I was seven and she left me at a carnival. She just took off with one of the Carnies and left me there, all  alone. I was scared to death! Her sister took me in and raised me. Whenever my mother would come to visit, she always let me know what an inconvenience I was".

My heart broke for Lillian. I imagined that poor child, all alone amongst all those strangers. As I looked at Lillian, I was overwhelmed with her dilemma. I was both sad and in awe at the same time.

Here was a woman who obviously was still pained by what her mother had put her through.  Her mother had decided to discard her like yesterday's trash. What did that feel like? Was her aunt willing to take her in, or had she been pressured? What type of childhood had Lillian experienced?

With all of these thoughts and emotions raging through me, I stood up and gathered Lillian in my arms. This beautiful woman, who had endured such pain, actually had the grace and decency to ensure this vile "mother" was taken care of. Many people who have suffered at the hands of  a parent often will turn a blind eye or even take pleasure in the said parents decline in health (trust me, I saw a lot of good and true evil while I worked there) and take that opportunity to "get even".

"Lillian, I am so in awe of you right now. Don't you dare believe for one second you are a bad person. I admire you so much for being such a loving human being that you would still watch out for your mother after all that she put you through. Not many people would to that. Here you are, listening to all of this, taking time out of your life, to make sure she is taken care of. You are an awesome person!"

Lillian seemed a bit relieved but shared that she probably wouldn't visit much. She wanted her mother taken care of, but she just couldn't bring her self to personally do so. Her guilt amazed me and touched my heart. It was a shame that Ms. Stevens didn't have a clue what an amazing daughter she had missed out on.

I moved to Virginia shortly after Ms. Stevens was admitted but Lillian made such an impression on me that I'll never forget her. I pray that she knows what an amazing human being she is and she finds it in her heart  to heal. No one should have to carry a burden like she has.

As much as I would love to think bad thoughts about Ms. Stevens, Lillian's actions are a valuable lesson to me. Just as I could have judged Lillian in her worries about finances and assumed she was uncaring and greedy, one has to think...what happened to Ms. Stevens to make her so seemingly callous? Did she perhaps have a mental illness that caused her to just leave her child? Did she do it because she thought her daughter would be better off? We will never know.

This I do know, when someone hurts me, I have control over the fate of how I deal with it. I can be angry and take it out on the world, or grow with it. If Lillian can forgive her mother for such a horrid circumstance, I hope I can find it in my heart to use grace in my forgiveness of others.

Lillian, wherever you are, thank you for being such a beautiful person. The world needs more people like you!


*Names changed to protect patient privacy.